To The Center

“We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes we see the way out but wander further and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger or the sadness preventing us returning. Sometimes we prefer to be lost and wandering, sometimes it’s easier. Sometimes we find our own way out. But regardless, always, we are found.” — Cecelia Ahern

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Today I woke up sad. As the morning wore on I became angry at myself because I couldn’t shake the sadness. Then I became grumpy.  My attitude took away my gratitude for the day. See, I was missing my dad. Today would have been his 84th birthday. I missed calling him and singing to him. I looked at photos which just made me miss him more. I focused on him not being here rather than all the wonderful years I had with him. I then tried to force myself to be happy. The thing about faking is your soul knows the truth…and then I came across this quote:

“Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there-on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam. The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand. It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known.” — Carl Sagan

Somehow, this made me feel better. Just knowing, I am here where I am supposed to be, feeling what I needed to feel helped me reach inside and give myself a hug. Earlier I’d opened an email blog post  about getting out of your own way. The contents sort of slapped me in the face, mostly because I totally feel unproductive today, and I realize I am often my own worst enemy. But I also know today is a day I need to rest, not to concern myself with production but with nurturing. I’m going to be gentle with myself.  So, today instead of getting out of my own way, I’m going to step right into the center of me. I am who I am, and life is what it is. I choose to be here, right now.

30 thoughts on “To The Center

  1. ” So, today instead of getting out of my own way, I’m going to step right into the center of me. I am who I am, and life is what it is. I choose to be here, right now.”

    Loved that, Suzi. And you’re so right because it seems (for me, anyway) the struggle of not embracing the truth of how I feel and forcing myself to be happy, is harder than just allowing myself to BE with it.

    ” See, I was missing my dad. Today would have been his 84th birthday. I missed calling him and singing to him.”

    I know how you feel because I too get that way about missing my mother. Sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks, “She’s not physically here anymore.” And like you and your father, my mother and I had so many great telephone conversations.

    Thanks for sharing this post today, my friend, because it helped me.

    (((((((((( You ))))))))
    X

  2. There are days when the pointlessness of our existence on that tiny speck of space looms large, eclipsing all else.

    “What’s the point?”
    “There is no point. Par. Par. Bogey. Par. Par.”
    ~ Home for the Holidays

    There is NOTHING that is more important than giving yourself room to be you. In sickness, and in health. For better, or for worse. In joy and in sorrow.

    Especially in sorrow.

  3. Hugs to you, Suzi. I know what you mean about missing your daddy. Mine’s been gone five years now and every so often, it still hits me hard. We all grieve at our own pace — there’s no “right way” or “wrong way” to do it — and, depending on the relationship we had with the deceased, some days might be harder than others. I’m glad you recognized the source of your sadness, my friend. Take it easy, know he’s in a better place free from suffering, and be especially kind to yourself. This, too, shall pass.

  4. Another tack which arises from this course of thought, is that at least you did have that wonderful relationship with him. How sad it is that so many have had either none, or an utterly negative one, with their fathers.

  5. Sorry about you missing your Dad – mine passed away nearly 16 years ago at the age of 59 – I always wonder what he would have thought of my daughter all grown up now – she was six when he died but since we lived with my parents for five of those six years, she has the best memory of him.

    Sending hugs your way!

    • Thanks. I’m glad my kids got to have them in their childhood. Now that he’s passed my oldest spends a lot of time with my mom and they’ve developed a wonderful relationship I know he will always treasure.

  6. I think grief and sadness are normal on days like this. It would feel unnatural not to feel the loss, I think. Recognizing it so we don’t get pulled in too deep is a good thing. I do hope you you find your day a little brighter tomorrow!

  7. Suzi, your words touched me deeply for 1000 reasons I cannot name. To realize we must turn inward and find our own heart, share that love and nurturance we deserve, is so important! An inspiration to read. It’s often forgotten, this simple profound truth.

    Blessings…

  8. I’ve had quite a few of those days here lately. And I’ve got a big week coming up that I’m dreading – the usual week in May that I dread that makes the anniversaries of the losses of both my father & my best friend from high school is also going to be the first birthday of my dear cousin Henry without him. Just thinking about it makes me want to curl up in a ball. It certainly feels like too much to ask of a body to stand in such a short period of time. Thanks for the reminder that we all have those moments. xo

  9. Thanks for sharing about your father, and my prayers are with you.

    No matter how much time we have with our loved ones it is never enough. Sometimes I try to envision how happy my mother would have been to see her grandchildren laughing and playing–she passed away several years before the first was born.

    With our parents, I think it is important to remember that we take a part of them with us. So, stepping in the center of you, is not really that far away from your dad.

  10. Suzicate, I always enjoy coming here to visit. I’m always uplifted or enlightened or both. I appreciate your wisdom and you gentle way of communicating and seeing life. Sending you wishes for comfort as I read this and glad you found what you needed in the words and wisdom you read. It’s a reminder to me of why it is so important to write things down. They lift in times and places we may never guess.

    • I often hesitate whether I really want to write these things down, and more often when I don’t I wished I had. Not only are they healing, but I tend to need those reminders of the past.

  11. My dad has been gone for a number of years, but every December 1st, memories flood back into my mind. I guess those we love never really ever leave us completely. Be gentle with yourself.

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