Yesterday I Cried

“…you know that a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit.” ― Lemony Snicket, The Bad Beginning

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I cried yesterday.

I cried over a lost manuscript.

What kind of a woman, though her heart is breaking, doesn’t shed a tear over her father’s medical diagnosis but cries over a stupid lost manuscript?

And yet I knew the lost manuscript was not the reason I was crying, but merely the breaking point.

I cried for the loss of words, those which had been written, those yet to be written, and those hidden in the heart.

I cried for the little girl cowering within this grown woman, petrified at the thought of life without her Daddy.

I cried for time, the hours slipping through my fingers and into oblivion.

I prayed. I prayed for my father. I prayed for my family.  I accepted reality. I told God the way it was…I didn’t have it in me to start my novel over. I told him I’d take its loss as a sign I wasn’t meant to write it. I told Him how dear it was to my heart, and I asked if I was meant to write it to please help me find the manuscript. I was at peace.

I opened my laptop back up…the manuscript file was open, right in front of my face. It was there all along, but I couldn’t see it. Perhaps stress had clouded my vision. Perhaps I just couldn’t see for looking.

I’ve had all the time in the world to write this book, and I’ve used every excuse I could find not to complete it. Mainly, it’s not good enough, and I can’t do it. And now, here I am running against time…

…And now I have a job to do. I must finish my story for the man who blessed me with the gift of story. He’s the greatest story teller I’ve ever known. I owe him this.

39 thoughts on “Yesterday I Cried

  1. Hugs Suzi.
    Tears are healing … they wash all those pent-up emotions out and cleanse our thoughts and hearts.
    Dealing with our parents aging and the poor health that goes with it is one of the toughest things we have to deal with (I am going through it with both parents right now) … I know you will find strength in your writing.

    (Side note: This tech person would like to strongly suggest you purchase a thumb drive to save a backup copy of your manuscript on every day you work on it … or subscribe to a free cloud service (like Drop Box) and save your manuscript there … it will eliminate extra stress and possible sadness over its loss)

    … more hugs ….

  2. Suzi…tears can be very healing…but we never know what the trigger will be. You are dealing with some very tough stuff which makes you feel sad and out of control. Renewing your efforts at finishing your manuscript will give you a sense of purpose and legacy. You will make your Daddy even prouder of you than he already is!

  3. Ah, what a relief. I was sure it would end something like this. BTDT. Yes, you had a stress fracture, for sure. Glad it healed quickly.

    Do not rely on syncing to any cloud service as fail-safe backup. If you trash your file (or worse yet, your entire cloud folder) on your computer, that will ripple up to the cloud. Also, I’ve heard reports of Sky Drive, my cloud of choice just now, has been known to trash accounts irretrievably, resulting in blank spaces on hard drives. I love cloud storage, but am considering ways to reliably back up cloud items to a stable place — probably a second hard drive. The cloud will be there if my house burns, but the hard drive won’t. So I’m set either way.

    • Thanks for the info on Sky Drive because I was going to use that. I sent myself an email with the manuscript…and guess I will do that daily or I will use a flash drive.

  4. When Tony was going through his colon cancer, I never shed a tear because I had to be the strong one, tell him and everyone else around me that it was all going to be okay.

    Until one day, the day before his surgery, I dropped a jar of pickles that my brother brought me from Texas and the glass shattered in a dozen pieces. I completely lost it. My daughter was like “Mom, it’s just pickles!” but like you, that was the straw that broke the camels back of my stress.

    Sending big hugs your way!!!

  5. Oh, Suzicate! I understand the tears over the lost manuscript, which as you said were really not for the lost manuscript. I understand the crying over things that are less important than what is really causing the tears. I do understand. In each of our strengths, there is also a weakness. It’s okay to cry, for whatever excuse you find.

  6. Ah, Suzi, this brings a tear to my eye, remembering my own late daddy. It’s pretty apparent you weren’t crying for the “lost” manuscript, but for your father. That’s understandable. You’ve got a LOT on your shoulders right now. My advice? Tend to the immediate and worry about the rest when you can. I bet if you let your novel “rest” a spell, you’ll find that words will miraculously flow, once you get back to it! Prayers continuing to rise for you and your family!

  7. Crying is always good. Each day with each other is a blessing but each day moves things along for all of us whether we know when the end might be or not. Maybe God just wanted you to just say ‘i can’t do this along’ because none of us can but some times we think we might try. Take each day as a new one, the only one and i know God will walk with always.

  8. What a beautifully written piece about such a gut-wrenching time of your life. I am so sorry. What a sweet blessing to find your lost document. Continued prayers for you and your family, especially Dad.

    • I read it on your blog this morning and was telling him about it. Went out for a nice relaxing 8 mile canoe/kayak trip with friends today…not sure we captured any photos prize-worthy, but we might have something from a previous adventure. Thank you for thinking of us.

  9. I think we cried along with you. We all get to our break point and the least little thing can dissolve us into a mass of emotions and we can’t really see the obvious in front of our eyes. I’m sure it’s a very scary time with your Daddy right now and you’re in my prayers for comfort and healing.

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