Teetering

They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death cannot kill what never dies. ~William Penn

Some days the weight of the world is heavier than my shoulders can carry. With all that’s been going on in the world lately I’m sure you understand the sentiment. However, when things are amiss in your own private world, the weight is tenfold.

It’s difficult being away from the people you love when times are tough. My father has been having some health difficulties this past week. He’s been experiencing some “spells” which have weakened him severely. We knew his sugar was off and wanted him to see his doctor. He refused though his episodes continued. I think fear had set in. His weakness increased until he was unable to walk. We feared it was congestive heart failure.

The good news is he went to the doctor today, and it’s not his heart. However, his sugar level was over 600. They administered two shots of insulin, adjusted his meds, and surprisingly sent him home with an appointment scheduled for Monday and instructions to call emergency if his condition worsens.

Throughout the day, I clock watched, waiting to hear from my mother…of course, I was thinking the worst while praying for the best outcome. I worked myself up all day long. My father is eighty-three years young. I am not ready to lose him. My mother is almost eighty and wearing herself to a frazzle. I’m not ready to lose her either. I’m almost fifty…no longer a spring chicken. I almost lost my oldest son this past year. I lost my brother two years ago last week. Life is short. It is not guaranteed. I worked myself into great sadness thinking. A short while later I received another call from my mother that my father’s sister, my favorite aunt, had just died.

Life. Death. Such a fragile, fine line. A line that does not belong to us. And yet here we are, teetering.  We are entrusted with this life we are each given for a period of time. We don’t know how long that time will be. We aren’t even given instructions as to exactly what we are to perform in that time frame in which we are already unsure of. All I know is we must love to our fullest and trust God to guide us through the rest.

I sit here in a cloud of melancholy. It hurts to lose the ones we love. We are never ready for it. While my heart is sad for the loss of my aunt and I hurt for my cousins, I am grateful for the involvement of my aunt in my childhood. I could tell you all about the selfless endeavors she performed for the good of family, but right now I feel like wallowing…I’m going to try to focus on the good she brought to my life and be grateful for her influence on me.

Book of Ecclesiastes – A Time for Everything

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

31 thoughts on “Teetering

  1. Suzi, in the past two years, you and your family have been through so much. And what I have always admired and respected about you is that as challenging as these past two years have been, you have always moved through them with such faith and grace. And at the same time, expressing all the emotions that go along with it, openly and honestly.

    I am so sorry to hear about your aunt and can totally understand your hurt and melancholy. Because you’re right, we are never ready for it, even when we know.

    Very glad to hear about your father and that it pertained to his sugar, not his heart. But I know that must have been nerve-wracking, waiting to hear the results of his tests.

    Take all the time you need to wallow, because as you do so, those are the feelings that heal our heart.

    Know that I am sharing much energy and love with you, my friend.

    (((((((((((((((((( You )))))))))))))))))

    X

  2. It’s interesting to contemplate…if we had never known a person, we would not feel the pain of his/her death. On the other hand, we would not have the loving memories either.

    I’m sorry for your loss of your aunt, Suzi. People grieve in different ways, and wallowing is one of them. Grieving is a necessary part of the healing process. Feel the love from all over, including from me.

  3. Beautiful words. It’s so hard to let go of those we love. Both sets of parents are approaching 80 and it’s painfully obvious the day is coming when we’ll have to experience this loss. Im relieved to hear your dad’s health issues were not related to his heart. Sometimes the waiting is the worst part. You know we’re all praying for you and yours.

  4. I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this painful and troubling time. Suzi, we know we can’t keep them forever, but losing a parernt is so frighting. I hope your Dad with the right medications can recover and get back to his life. And I really hope the toll this takes on your dear Mom ends quickly. I think it’s hardest of all when the physical distance is making it hard to see everything for yourself. Be good to you, Suzicate. The stress and anxiety are such bastards to our health. (But Darling Suzi, you are still a Spring Chicken!)

  5. Suzi, please accept my condolences on the death of your aunt. We know realistically that none of us “will get out of here alive,” but watching someone we love die is never easy. I think the key is Faith. Praying for you and your family right now, my friend!

  6. I almost tossed my cookies! I read a line wrong about your son. Whew! Sorry for the loss of your aunt. I know the feeling about the tenfold. Health issues with my parents too. I’ll be thinking more about you and your family. Sending those positive thoughts and virtual hugs

  7. I’ll keep you in my prayers. It’s so hard to watch health issues set in. I’ve seen it with my grandparents, and I fear they are setting in with my parents before their time. (They have both smoked cigarettes for as long as I can remember and it’s not doing them any favors.) I hope they are able to stabilize your dad’s blood sugar. 600 is a scary level for sure.

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