Just Another Heart Day

fibric collage and valentine bear 011

“Today is going to be the worst day of your life,” I told myself. Staring at my freckled face and frizzy hair in the mirror I continued, “You are ugly. Who could ever love you?”

I silently beat myself up on the bus ride to school. The girls around me were all chipper talking about who was getting flowers, stuffed animals, cards, and what they hoped they’d be getting.

I thought maybe today would be the day HE professed his love for me. Who was I kidding? I didn’t need the proof of humiliation. I knew it wasn’t going to happen.

In between classes I watched boys and girls arm in arm walking the halls. Some carrying flowers or balloons. Others, candy. And some just that smitten smile I so hated. I counted the bouquets of flowers until I lost count.

Then in one class the girl who sat in front of me, a girl I didn’t think had a boyfriend, one who even I considered homely, got flowers delivered to her. I leaned over her shoulder and said, “lucky you.” She whispered back, “not really. They’re from my parents.” I thought if that was me I’d probably lie and say I had a boyfriend that didn’t go to this school. For a moment I was consoled with the thought that probably half of those flowers came from parents. Then I felt depressed mine didn’t think to send me any.

My day among the happy go lucky girls in love soon ended and I headed home. I knew there was one last chance. At the bus stop where we changed buses. HE was older and wasn’t in school any longer, but he often came by the bus stop to talk or give me a ride the rest of the way home.

Sure enough after sitting at the stop a few minutes, HIS car pulled up. I kept my head resting between my arms against the seat in front of me, pretending not to see him. He walked over and banged on the outside of the window. I pulled the window down. He made small talk. No offer of a ride home. No card. No nothing. I could feel heat spreading across my face. I held back the tears as my heart was being ripped wide open. He even had the nerve to ask me how many gifts other boys had given me. I nearly died to have to say none. I wanted to tell him I’d gotten something, anything at all, but the resident jerk was beside me smirking and I knew he’d call me out. Still no card, no nothing. He left. The resident jerk said something snotty like, “not even a card?” I wanted to punch him.

The rest of the evening I sulked at home. Then I had to endure the questions from my mother about whether any boy gave me a card or anything. And then I had to listen how it was their loss, not mine. Mothers try so hard to be kind but tend to make things worse.

Valentine’s Day when I was sixteen sucked. I mean totally sucked. It meant I was grouped in with the unloved. You know the “girls WITHOUT boyfriends”. Yep, that’s how I was defined. At least by me and I thought by every girl in the school WITH boyfriends. Yes at sixteen, having a boyfriend made you someone, someone who was loved.

Thirty-three years later I sit here reading Facebook comments. A couple read, “Valentines is over-rated” and “Valentines is too commercialized”. They’re right, but the bottom line is they don’t have significant others. I want to tell them it’s much more important to have someone who shows you he loves you in small ways every day rather than a big display one day of the year. You see, I’ve lived many Valentine’s days since that really awful one. I’ve received great displays of affection over the years…in all honesty, I’d rather have the million little things every day that prove real love, a deep abiding one, not the kind on show for the world. Some years I get flowers, candy, a card, or dinner out. Sometimes all of those things. Don’t get me wrong, they are nice, but truly not necessary. I think every day should be a heart day. Shower those you love with affection daily…that’s the most important thing of all.

Wylie's boytoy, Rex" waits for her at the fence line every morning. Notice how he puts his paws underneath to our side!

Wylie’s boytoy, Rex” waits for her at the fence line every morning. Notice how he puts his paws underneath to our side!

Is Wylie smitten?

Is Wylie smitten?

fibric collage and valentine bear 016

This Valentine bear was bought years ago by one of my sons for his girlfriend who broke up with him a few days before Valentine’s Day. Wylie is chewing up the bear…my husband says this is what you call poetic justice!

33 thoughts on “Just Another Heart Day

  1. Our society puts so much emphasis on Valentine’s Day. This “holiday” is big business for retailers. And it puts a lot of pressure on those that have lost loved ones or don’t have a significant distraction. Truth is, we all have those we love and you’re so right that every day should be a heart day for them. So, Happy Heart YEAR to you, my friend!

  2. Oh the pain of being “unloved” at sixteen. Owww. Every Valentine’s Day I laugh and think back to the one Valentine’s Day (when I was older) when I didn’t have a boyfriend. I received three different flowers/bunch of flowers from three different people. Ha! It made me laugh because all the years I didn’t have a boyfriend, then all the years I did, then the one year I didn’t I got more flowers than ever. So odd.

    It is also funny how when you get older the gifts on Valentine’s Day matter less. I have truly appreciated my hubby doing the dishes several nights this week. To me THAT is love! Yipee! I don’t mind the card and flowers on Valentine’s Day either. 🙂

    Happy Valentine’s Day to you!

    Rex is precious with his paw under your fence!

    • Hey, I wouldn’t complain either…and I don’t because my hubby is great! Happy Valenti’s Day to you. Rex is a funny boy. He cracks me up with his paws…he sits like that until she comes out. If she doesn’t come for a long time, he starts barking for her and then gets back in position until she comes out!

  3. I’m with you, Suzi. It’s the every day thoughtfulness and loving gestures that makes BFF my year round Valentine. But we ARE going out for a Valentine’s Day Happy Hour “just because.” 😀

  4. I used to buy me something great for Valentines Day. Alex has never missed giving me a card and roses in all these years, even when he was deployed to the Middle East for a year. My daughter’s husband doesn’t “do” Valentines Day because it’s a Hallmark Holiday. Hah! I’ll bet Alex gets more action on VD that my son in law ever will.

  5. Loved this post. Yep, I agree. It’s the little day to day small things that my husband does that mean more than showering me with gifts today – although he did buy me cheese and spicy shit so I am not complaining. Happy Valentine’s Day!

  6. LOVE THIS POST, SUZI!!!!!

    And you are spot on in saying this…..

    “I’d rather have the million little things every day that prove real love, a deep abiding one, not the kind on show for the world. ”

    Amen!

    And me, being in retail, I see all the commercialism that goes with this holiday and it’s just that….commercialism; reinforcing that if people don’t have someone in their lives, then something is missing. To me, Valentines Day should be about the love in your life; whether it’s one special person or your friends or family.

    Yes, I’m single, but I can still celebrate all the LOVE in my life.

    Happy Valentines Day, my friend!

    (((((( You )))))

    X

    • It’s funny how when I was single and first married it was all about “couples” and then after kids it became all about kids and their parties and now yeah, it’s a nice day but WAY TOO commercialized. I’d rather have all the little moments of love every day than one big day of show. And yes, love every day about everyone not just our significant others!

  7. I was right there with you at sixteen, Suzi. Difficult, wasn’t it? And the thing is, nobody could tell us then that things would get better! Love Wylie and her fella — what girl breaks up with a guy BEFORE Valentine’s Day???

    • Yes, sixteen sucked. Seventeen was much better. I really didn’t believe back then that someday things really would be ok.
      what girl breaks up with a guy BEFORE Valentine’s Day??? – a dumb one! Let me tell you, this guy is a real romantic…I couldn’t believe the stuff he did last year for his gf. I’m afraid to ask how he topped that this year, lol!

  8. I love this post.
    This was Edie’s first Valentine’s day where there was no party at school. It was a bit of an adjustment to say the least. However, a boy walked up to her, asked if she had a valentine and when she said no, he blushed and walked away. What was that about she wondered to us. Her father later asked who that boy was. Well, he’s got very nice parents… We are definitely entering a brave new world.

  9. I am one of those girls without a boyfriend and valentine’s candy, cards and romance. Like you, it used to bother me at times … however, seeing how little Valentine’s Day means to people that have been together for years, it does not bother me much any more. Like you, I would prefer that “every day should be a heart day” … those little things, not prompted by the media/commercial world mean much more.
    This year, I spent Valentine’s Day working at Parent/Teacher conferences … we thought no one would come because of the holiday … but, we had a great turn out. That demonstrates to me a meaningful everyday heart.

  10. I can relate to the teen Valentine’s Day. It was horrible, miserable and depressing. We don’t celebrate the holiday. I agree that it’s the little things every day that matter. (Not an overpriced bunch of roses.). I did buy some half-price chocolate the day after Valentine’s Day though 🙂

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