Spanx? NO THANX!

If you look like this, you don’t NEED Spanx!

Ok, so I jiggle like Santa. The point is I really didn’t want everyone to know that, so I did what any other self-respecting (Ok, vain!) woman who wants to wear a skin hugging dress does…I checked out Spanx…and I’m going to share my humiliating story with you because we all need a good laugh now and then. Even if it is at our own expense!

The first problem is getting it on. It is much like trying to stuff the contents of two cans of play dough into one can…it just aint gonna’ happen! Well, at least not without an overflow…I mean it’s gotta’ go somewhere.

I pull the one piece elastic thingy (which I swear is about the size of an infant onesie!) over my head and there she is, rolled up in a bunch around my chest. I can hardly breathe. I want to scream for someone to deliver an oxygen tank to the dressing room. Meantime, with all the huffing and puffing going on in my stall, I can only imagine what anyone else in the dressing area is thinking. Just so you know, this is before the cussing and crying starts.

Finally I manage to pull it down to my bellybutton and my boobs shoot through the top. And those who know me, know that’s almost an impossible feat! I pull those puppies back down and they mash flat with everything else the spandex has swallowed. Now every inch of fat is heading south in gigantic proportions. I am turning blue by now and sweating. I reached down to snap the crotch and what snaps is my back, right beneath my shoulder blade. So, now not only can I not breath or move, but I am in severe pain.

I give up without trying the dress on over this thing they call a miracle. It’s a miracle all right, an absolute miracle I haven’t died due to lack of oxygen. However, I’m standing in the dressing room stuck in an elastic contraption that I don’t know how in the hell I’m going to get out of. I figure I can put aside embarrassment and call Dirt Man who is only three minutes away at home and direct him to the dressing room in Kohls to help me. Or I can yell for someone, anyone, to bring me a pair of scissors, a knife, or anything sharp to cut the damn thing off of me. Or the last resort, which I choose because you know I’m proud like that, I clench my teeth (with tears flowing down my cheeks) and wiggle and squirm (and cuss) for what seems like eons until I finally get it to roll back up high enough to grasp that sucker and pull it to my shoulders. I finally pop it off one side and take a deep breath, (and I give thanks to God, yes I do!) and then I peel it off the other side of my body. It sure doesn’t look quite the same as before I put it on…it’s a bit stretchier (misshapen) and about twice the size it was!

Next I throw that sucker on the floor and stomp it for good measure. Boy, does that ever feel good. I smugly pick it up, smooth it off, and gently place it on the hanger. I even put the hanger back on the display rack, way in the back since it’s no longer in pristine form!

I decide I will NEVER purchase an elastic body-clamping-contraption…nobody needs a hug that badly!  Of course, I do not buy the dress either. In fact, I decide to embrace the extra bits of me…on my way home I treat myself to frozen yogurt, and I enjoy every single drop!

Next time, I get the bright idea of trying to squish my jiggles into some body forming apparatus, I’ll opt for a plain old roll of duct tape!

84 thoughts on “Spanx? NO THANX!

  1. It is amazing how we deceive ourselves trying things that we know are never going to work they way they are intended. For us anyway. Hope springs Eternal? Certainly makes us delusional. This is why I never bought men’s hair dye. What difference does it make if my hair is white or brown? I’m still 62 years old. This is a very important post from the psychological, sociological and anthropological studies in human denial. Have you submitted to psychology Today mag? With photo of course.

  2. Good for you, SuziCate. Years ago, when I was young and thin, I thought I had fat thighs and wore control top pantyhose with every outfit, even jeans. Duh! I’m happy to say I haven’t touched a pair of those torture devices in at least 15 years. Despite eating right and exercising, I am still soft and jiggly. I think most women are. Even if I haven’t quite wrapped my brain around accepting that 100% yet, my behavior modification–throwing the contents of my control-top panty hose drawer in the trash–was a step on the way. 😉

    This post made me laugh because I once got stuck in a garment in a dressing room with my arms above my head in a kind of pretzel position. I was terrified. I think I may have told that story in an old post about the horror I feel when I enter a department store. Oy! Breaking out in hives just thinking about it.

  3. That’s hysterical, and I know just how you felt. I’ve survived numerous dressing room incidents in which I was fearful I would have to call the paramedics with the Jaws of Life by persistence and repeating the mantra “If you can get it on, then you can get it off,” which sounds kind of wrong when I type it but it sure works well in my head in the dressing room. My sister in law gave me a pair of Spanx a few years ago, and I just can’t bring myself to wear them. The chub that rolls over the top is too much for me.

  4. “It is much like trying to stuff the contents of two cans of play dough into one can…it just aint gonna’ happen!”

    You just made my list of scintillating similes and started my day with a huge laugh. BTDT, but didn’t buy the T-shirt.

    I love the duct tape idea. It reminds me of the dress form my mother made once. She bought a kit with a jersey tube and several rolls of brown package tape, the old kind you had to wet to glue together — this was so long ago duct tape had not been invented. A friend paper-machéed her body while she stood at attention for about half the day without breathing. When the tape was dry enough to hold its shape, and damp enough to bend slightly, the friend took very sharp scissors and slit up the back, through the jersey tube, but somehow missing underwear and skin. I’m sure Mom was wishing she could deflate her body like a balloon as she struggled out. They overlapped the back just a smidge so the outside measurements were the same as her body, and taped up the seam. I can’t recall ever seeing her use that form once it was finished.

    We could do this today with duct tape. Slice a seam, apply velcro straps, and there you have it: instant body cast. Select a friend you trust to reshape your body evenly, in the shape you want. Many of us would benefit from starting at the bottom so the overflow squeezes into the puppy pits.

    The real advantage to duct tape is you can wear the body cast for a gala event without buying a dress, and enter the 3M Prom Dress contest.

  5. Susan, I have laughed and the tears are rolling, oh my gosh,,, honey have done the same thing……I wanted to burn it! Thank you for the laughter.

  6. Been there done that and so with you on wanting to stomp the ever living heck out of it! Like trying to stuff 10 lbs of sausage in a 5 lb casing! And totally can’t breath. I can’t imagine getting one all the way on and then being out somewhere and having to pee! First off I’d never get it off in time and pee on myself! If I did manage to get it off in time by the time I finished and all the sweating getting it up to pee I’d never get it back down again. There’s no bathroom stall made with enough room! You made me laugh really hard on this one. GREAT JOB!

  7. “It is much like trying to stuff the contents of two cans of play dough into one can…it just aint gonna’ happen.”

    OMG, Suzi, that CRACKED ME UP! Great visual!

    In fact, this whole post made me HOWL!

    Hey listen, even me (who is rather slim) can not stand spanx/spandex. I remember years ago when spandex bicycle pants were popular. I tried on a pair once and immediately ripped them off. I can’t stand anything tight on my body because I feel like I’m suffocating 😦

    Have a wonderful Thursday! And thanks for the laugh!


  8. Ohmigosh! You’re just hysterical! Well, I mean in a funny way, not the way you were in the dressing room. When I was nearing 20, we had these girdles that came down nearly to the knees and with zippers – Yep. There I was, 5’11”, 135 lbs, thinking I needed one of those contraptions. Now I have a problem with low-cut jeans because they get too tight around the belly (which is no longer flat) and make the belly fat roll up and over the top, which is especially charming in a rib-knit tank top. But hey, I’m no longer 20, I’m not even 50, so it’s all okay.

  9. Thank you, Suzicate, for boldly going where no woman should! I’ve seen those eensy-weensy things in department stores and wondered just how women got into them. With your vivid description firmly in my mind, I’m sure this isn’t gonna be something I’ll venture any time soon — despite not being a size 0!!

  10. Wonderful post. Made me laugh out loud, which I rarely do when reading a blog.

    I wonder if Spanx makers will pay you not to write about them anymore. Not only is your post is hilarious, but it tickles the memory of nearly every “Western” woman alive.

    I HATE going shopping for clothes because I have a weird body–short little arms (my husband says I look like a penguin), short little legs, and a humungously long torso. If that’s not enough, I have a pot belly. Thus, nothing ever looked good on me. And the tears, the cussing, the desperation in dressing rooms all over North America left me breathless, spent, and dejected. You struck a blow for women everywhere.

  11. My daughter in law swears by Spanx so I tried some. It squished me weird and I looked sort of like a misshapen tootsie roll the stuff plumped out all the way down to my knees. I had a flat but but it was also a weird long looking butt. Since it took me a full half hour to get into it, I realized that going to the bathroom would be problematic because either I am built wrong or the tiny opening with the snap was all wrong for my anatomy. Never again! And Baby, never is a long long time.

  12. Buyer beware,… its got to go somewhere,…. if only for a little while,….We diet,… we exercise,… we fast till almost death, and all for not sometimes. I love my jiggles the same way i love my Jell-O when it jiggles. No Oxygen needed!

    LOL Suzicate…..

  13. That’s hilarious (since it happened to you and not me, of course). Our family used to joke about whatever the forerunner of the Spanx was…that when a person wore both the top and bottom they’d have a fat neck and fat ankles. I guess you proved it.

  14. There but for the grace of God… Thank you for saving me from satisfying my curiosity. I’ve looked for one of these wee garments, but never found one. I bet I passed them by thinking they were bathing suits for 6 year olds.

    Great giggle! Thanks SuziCate.

  15. I have these “magic knickers” from the UK…which I’m pretty sure are like spanx. I win them…and I live in the good ol’ US of A…and before they arrived I was ecstatic to try them.

    Then they arrived.

    My polka dot tights from kindergarten were bigger than these.

    And I stuffed them in a drawer, afraid that if I put them on, they’d A: never come off or B: I’d lose a limb.

  16. I have a friend who swears by Spanx, but I’ve never tried them. Your story had me laughing because I had a similar experience with a tankini swimsuit – the spandex was a llittle too tight and my arms got stuck as I tried to get it over my head. Pulled a muscle in my side getting that thing off…and I haven’t gone swimsuit shopping since.

    You can start a “Just Say No (to Spanx)” campaign – I’d join 😉

  17. Bwahahah! Too funny! I feel ya on the shrink-you-smaller fails. I tried Spanx once- Ick- decided to stick with a corset for the halloween costume. But then I was laced so tight and the boning was so stiff that bobbing for apples was more like “bend at the hips and DIVE!” Oooh, the fun the people behind me had watching that. Sigh. Now I just let what is be what it is and accept it.

  18. Fashion should never be painful. Good for you for putting the Spanx back on the rack!

    An acquaintence of mine has her PhD in Psychology and part of her practice is to treat people with eating disorders and image issues. One day I noticed Spanx peeking out from the bottom of her skirt. Hmmm…

  19. Not so surprised that you tried them/it. But I am amazed that you posted about it. You are just so funny.

    You know that sometimes celebrities get the outfits they wear sewn onto them, right? I can think of one off hand (and I have heard of others). Olivia Newton John was sewn into that black outfit that she wore at the amusement park in Grease. Somethings are just not meant to go over bumps and curves. 🙂

    I am so glad that you survived without any brain damage (ya know the brain needs oxygen)!!! XOXOXO

      • So once you could think of it and laugh without being too embarrassed you realized it was time to share?

        And, yeah, sometimes the outfit requies the person gets sewn into it. I know I have heard of other’s besides Olivia Newton John.

        I just found a website that states (don’t know how true) that Marilyn Monroe was often sewn into her dresses.

  20. well dont worry, in real world ( away from ramp or silver screen) super skinny women like me hear far more lectures, taunts than plump women.

    but, just like you dont want to shed weight to please others, i too dont want to gain weight to please others. its my body and it will stay just the way i want it to.

  21. Hahahaha!!! Too funny! I’ve been wanting to try them for a long time (I hate the lumpy look I currently sport)… but after reading this review, I’m thinking my money would be better spent on ice cream. (Not a gym membership to combat the lumpy look, but ice cream… to enhance it)

  22. oh that was just a priceless read. It’s just great when someone else does something you’ve thought of and you get to laugh at them over it.
    Think I’ll go get a piece of chocolate now!

  23. Hahahaha – you have me cracking up right now!!! I was out at a bar this summer and this (intoxicated) young girl was obviously wearing some sort of body shaping undergarment under her short skirt. It was sticking out of the bottom of her skirt and looked absolutely horrible…and I mean HOR-A-BULL…after that, I swore to never, ever try it.

  24. That’s a hoot! I can totally relate. I’ve heard that baby powder does make the stupid thing slide on a little better. No, really, I heard that….okay, I did that.

  25. Pingback: ByeByeCankles |

  26. I see I’m not the only one who had to wipe their eyes while reading this post. Hilarious. Glad you tried it and saved me the trouble. My attempt, probably failure, would have been three cans compressed. C’est impossible. On a happier note, I have dropped about a handful with plans for a can and a half to go. 😉

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