A Reminder To Myself

Fear can keep us up all night long, but faith makes one fine pillow.  ~Philip Gulley

Sometimes I need to remind myself that I am not in control of the universe. Even though I know that I can’t manipulate current situations, I still find myself filled with fear. I worry about things that are inevitable but have not yet occurred. “Let go and let God” echoes through my head. Why is it that some things are easier said than done? As a human am I programmed this way or has living conditioned me to this way of thinking?

I look for the calm in the midst of chaos. However, the chaos mostly exists in my mind. Sure I might have it in my life, but here right now in this exact moment in time, I do not. I create in with worrying about what I can’t control. I spend more time in memories and dreams than I do in the present. I try to recall moments of pleasure in the past because I fear impending doom. And maybe it is the word “terminal” that brings fear to the front of every thought and every action. I chase peace like a dog chases his tail…once I get it, I don’t know what to do with it. I let it go and start searching again.

I tend to think of terminal as the end, over and done with. I focus on what I see. I have to remind myself that what is considered the end is the beginning of something else. Tadpoles turn into frogs, and caterpillars become butterflies. When people I love are in distress, I am affected. I have to remind myself that even so, it is still not about me. I turn to my faith. I hand it over. And then I take it back. I do it again and again. It’s a vicious cycle I hope to break. I do trust, so why can’t I just let go? Is it emotion taking over reason?

This song reminds me to trust like a child, not worry, be happy. I hope it reminds you, too.

32 thoughts on “A Reminder To Myself

  1. I need to remind myself of this often. I take after my mother in the worry department. My father always tells my mom that she can worry about solving world peace and he’ll worry about the rest.

    That butterfly is beautiful!

  2. Thanks for this – sound like a state of anxiety nicely articulated. An existential experience, for sure. I suppose this is what makes us uniquely human.

  3. Very good post. Your picture of the butterfly is perfect. We are eternal, even when pronounced terminal by a doctor. What hurts is knowing that we may have to remain here without a loved one that departs before us. This makes my bones chill, too, Suzi.

    Perhaps it takes a lifetime of learning to trust to stay at rest. Just when I think I’ve learned, I’ll realize that I’m worrying about something. When I find myself worrying, I remind myself that I don’t have to worry. If I were not prone to slipping away from the peace that belongs to us, there wouldn’t be so many poems about it on my blog. I remind myself, or I like to think that God reminds me, that His grace is sufficient. Blessings to you, Suzi…

  4. I was where you are – consumed by pain and sorrow and the impending loss of a loved one. I stayed in that place of sorrow for a long time, and then step by step realized that I am not in control of the universe – that’s for sure. I am not in control of something even as close as tomorrow. What we are in control of is right now – what we are doing and thinking about and how we are acting in the very moment. Pain should not be swept under a rug. It should be dealt with over and over until it is replaced with a sense of peace. I could go on and on about this topic, as I’m living thru it myself. Prayers and well wishes going out to you Suzicate.

  5. I hear ya, sister. I’ve been trying to let go of the stress and just enjoy the moment but it’s so hard. But I know it’s possible…. good luck. 😉

  6. “Sometimes I need to remind myself that I am not in control of the universe. Even though I know that I can’t manipulate current situations, I still find myself filled with fear.”

    Me to, Suzi.

    And like I shared in one of my previous posts, that even though we know this, it doesn’t make going through these experiences any easier to accept and embrace.

    Like you, I rely so much on my faith in a Higher Power to support me, yet even that is a challenge because I still feel the fear.

    I think it’s only natural for us move through the cycle of handing it over. And then taking it back. It’s hard to let go, because yes, our human emotions take over. So, just allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling, because this is part of the natural process of letting go. And that you are held and loved.

    I so enjoyed what shared about the ending being the beginning of something else….

    “Tadpoles turn into frogs, and caterpillars become butterflies.”


    Sharing a great BIG hug with you, my friend…..

    ((((( Suzi ))))))


  7. More and more often, I inhabit a place of inner peace where worry cannot find me. The more mindful we are of our thoughts, the more easily we can chase away the thoughts that are not productive.

    Keep practicing. It’s worth it.

  8. “the chaos mostly exists in my mind” Yes. When I can live in the moment. THE moment, I find there is always more life than I could ever want. I run from reality because I think I can’t handle it. But that is fear talking. I handle reality just fine. It’s my running that creates my chaos.

  9. I find that I have to practice this and that there are things that are beyond my control. It is definitely hard because I want to get through the process part and know the outcome. You are right – you have to hand it over and hope for the best.

  10. I have issues with loss of control, too, and sometimes find myself obsessing over the most ridiculous things. So, I really appreciate a post like this that reminds me who I am today and who I might be if I only learn to focus on the things I truly do have control over and release all the rest.

    Be well, Suzicate.

  11. we have “control” over very little. losing someone reminds us that there are times in our lives when we will feel helpless, lost, empty. and learning to sit with that empty and be ok with it is not an easy thing to do. your emotions are there to help you work through this process …. let them be what they are and live in those moments, too. you will find yourself riding a roller coaster of emotions. recognizing that, we are able to find grounding and some stability in the midst of this chaos. you are connected to nature, which i believe helps you immensely. you are watching the process as you go through it by continuing to write about it, which i admire immensely. and i am here anytime you need me.

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