SuziCate And The Cheesecake Factory

So where have I been, you ask. Well, I’ve been lost in the Cheesecake Factory. Seriously, for like three minutes. Three harrowing minutes of my life! Being lost at the Cheescake Factory is not akin to Charlie being lost in the chocolate factory. No free samples of “white chocolate raspberry truffle” or “caramel pecan turtle” cheesecakes. No Shrimp Scampi or Madiera Chicken. Not even a drink for this poor lost soul. Ok, it might have been a drink that put me in the demise in this first place. Let’s just say that Dirt Man made me an incredibly nasty tasting drink that was extremely potent before we went there. Kinda’ tasted like Coleman lantern fuel…not that I’ve ever drank lantern fluid… And then, I might, or might not, have had another drink when we got there.

Anyway, I’ve never denied the fact that I am geographically challenged. I always make a point of remembering where I park or where I am seated when I am in public, so that I can make my way back. Well, nature called. I’ve been to the Cheesecake Factory like a gazillion times, so one would think I’d have the layout memorized. I made a mental note that I’d have to turn left upon leaving the bathroom and that we were the first table in that row of booths.

I could have been a bit disoriented after listening to the chicks in the restroom. The girl in the stall next to me was pleading with the girl in the stall next to her to come in her stall.

Girl: Birdie, I need you.

Birdie: What?

Girl: You know I wouldn’t ask you, Birdie.

Birdie: Ok, open your door.

Girl: Just slide under.

Birdie: What?

Girl: You know I wouldn’t ask you, Birdie.

Birdie: I don’t think I can fit under the stall.

Girl: Birdie, you know I wouldn’t ask you but…

I admit I was a bit amused and astounded by the conversation. I left before Birdie attempted to slide between the stalls.

When I came out I took my left and dang it, Dirt Man was not at the first table. I figured I must have been confused so I turned around and took a right. Dang, still no Dirt Man. Did he intentionally get me sloshed and dump me? I retraced my steps. I knew we were at the first table. Where the heck did he go? It wasn’t like I could call him from my cell because my cell was at the table with Dirt Man. I was starting to feel pretty stupid. I decided I’d act like the lost kid at the mall and go up to the hostess desk and just ask them if they could look on their diagram and tell me where we had been seated. Fortunately, just as I was about to open my mouth, I saw the beacon of Dirt Man’s shiny forehead and the frantic motion of waving arms. Or maybe it was the glare of his white teeth or his hysterical maniacal laughter that attracted me his way. And yes, it was the first table…at the other end of the row of booths. How did I forget the eleven tables in between? Must have been that drink!

So, the lesson here is that if I ever get lost in a restaurant again, I’ll cry like a baby and maybe I’ll get free food or at least, a drink! And also, always take my cell with me to the restroom.

And if anybody is looking for Birdie, she just might be wedged between the stalls in the women’s restroom at the Cheesecake Factory.

63 thoughts on “SuziCate And The Cheesecake Factory

  1. This made me laugh…with you, not at you. Thank God for the beacon of his shiny forehead. Even though no one but you knew that you were lost, didn’t it feel like the whole restaurant was aware and in on it? I hate when that happens. 🙂 I’ll nonchalantly walk around like I know where I’m heading. But my very pink face usually gives me away. Good post, Suzicate.

  2. I am so glad you found your way back. And I am so glad you were not Birdie. Crawl on the bathroom floor under the stall door? You’d better be having a heart attack to make that worthwhile!

  3. I always get a panic attack at ballgames because even with my ticket in hand, I’m afraid I won’t find the seat or my husband ever again. So yeah, Suzicate, I can relate. One time I accidentally got in the car with a strange man who I thought was my husband. I don’t know who was more shocked, the man or me. I’m really not good out by myself sometimes. Now I make Alex come to the restroom with me, and wait for me outside. It’s just better that way.

  4. Really enjoyed this post. Especially since I too was lost in the crowd during the restroom trip and was only guided back to my table when I spotted my bright red coat hanging on the chair back. I like you will insist not only a floor plan on my next visit, but will make sure I have a pair of Flents in hand. Oops. Maybe not. Don’t want to miss a possible Birdie conversation (lol)!

  5. Dirt Man’s shiny forehead as a beacon? I just died laughing. You are fabulous, Suzicate. I know I am always going to be laughing or just given warm-fuzzies by your posts. Thank you!

  6. Humorous , witty and can relate -oh- well except to the story about “Birdie’ sliding under a bathroom stall, that would jar me too, and I would exit out quickly, yikes.

    It must have been nice to see a shining forehead in a sea of unfamiliar cheesecake faces.

    Have a nice rest of the week end,,,


  7. Shiny beacon of Dirtman’s forehead? That made me snort laugh. I get turned around sometimes too and it’s very frustrating. That’s why you tuck your phone into your bra when you have to go to the bathroom or you drop cracker crumbs along the way ala Hansel and Gretel so you can find your way back!

  8. Thanks for the laugh, Suzi.

    Between your lack of direction, Birdie’s attempt to fly under the stall, and the Dirt Man’s ability to catch your attention with his forehead, you had me smiling from start to stop.

    Except for “No free samples of “white chocolate raspberry truffle” or “caramel pecan turtle” cheesecakes.” That just made me hungry.

  9. “And if anybody is looking for Birdie, she just might be wedged between the stalls in the women’s restroom at the Cheesecake Factory.”

    Bwhahahahhahahahahaha! OMG, how HILAROUS, Suzi! As soon as you mentioned two girls pleaded in a bathroom stall, I had a feeling it was that!!

    Listen, I’m exactly the same as you when it comes to directions. Honest, sometimes when a tourist is visiting Philly and they’ll ask for directions, I get all flustered and confused, and end up asking someone else on the street.

    I mean look at how I gave Peg and Hubby the wrong directions to the art museum. And I know this city like the back of my hand. I think – HA!

    Sounds like you had a fun weekend!


  10. I, too, have gotten lost returning, or trying to return, from the restroom to my table of friends in the Cheesecake Factory! How embarrassing was that? I had to finally ask a waiter to find my party for me! Blessings to you, Suzi…

  11. Someone’s life would need to be on the line for me to touch a public bathroom floor with anything other than my shoes. I once read how germy women’s purses get because we put them everywhere. After that article, I started to periodically wipe down my purse with Lysol Sheets. Poor Germy Birdie.

  12. Thanks for the smiles ….

    I think I may have lingered in the bathroom a bit longer out of curiosity … I wish Birdie read your blog and would provide us with an explanation about what was so mysterious and important that someone expected her to crawl under the stall.

  13. What a predicament! I always “lose” my car in the parking lot. So annoying when I have a my daughter around and she says, “Momma, I think you parked it over there.” Anyway, glad you found your way to Dirt Man. As an experienced hiker, I thought a restaurant would never have you running in circles.

  14. I have had this experience after drinking Coleman fuel too 🙂

    Seriously I hate getting myself turned around like this, you do feel alone in the crowd so to say.

  15. This is hilarious! This has happened to me, more than once. It’s so hard to wander around and look like you know where you’re going, while hiding the panic that you’re hopelessly lost.

    I think I would’ve stayed in the bathroom to find out what those girls were up to. Inquiring minds want to know 🙂

  16. You are sooo funny. This made me laugh so hard. I KNOW that I would have gotten lost because I would have been TOTALLY distracted that a girl in the restroom needed another girl to come in the stall and wanted her to CRAWL under. I think I would have thought it my duty to explain to Birdie that she DOES NOT NEED FRIENDS that NEED her to CRAWL on a bathroom floor. No! Unacceptable. I probably would have walked out of the bathroom straight into a wall because I would have just been annoyed and grossed out!

    I am soooo glad the troops did not need to be called out to rescue you.

    I kinda agree with Jannatwrites.

    • Seems like we are all equally curious about Birdie, if I hadn’t been so weirded out and grossed out at the idea of someone crawling on the floor, maybe I’d have stuck around to find out what happened!

  17. This is a great story, but now you have me wondering about birdie… LOL!

    I tend to have a very poor sense of direction as well. Nothing quite so entertaining as your story, however!

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