Fried, Half Baked, Or A Bit Of Both!

Yesterday, Dirt Man was sitting in the backyard, so I went out to join him.

 “Gosh, you sure are white!”

 I’m thinking, yeah, and what’s your point? He is really dark as he has been in the sun a lot this year. However, he is sporting a farmer’s tan. He was trying to get a little color on his front and back.

 “I mean you’re much whiter than you’ve ever been this time of year. Why don’t you go put some shorts on so you’ll have a little base sun before we leave on vacation?”

 I look down and realize yes, I am wearing capris. That makes it kind of hard to get any sun on my legs. So I go inside and put on shorts.

 “Why don’t you put on a bathing suit top?”

 Hmmm….I was wearing a short sleeved shirt. So, back in I go and put on a swim suit to sit in the sun for maybe an hour. I think he was trying to exercise me by making me go up and down the stairs!

 He was right; I was pale as all get out! Usually, by this time I have a nice glow going. I usually get a good base so that I don’t burn for our week at the beach. Yes, I know I live at the beach and never go, but drive to another state to spend a week seaside. Yes, we’re just weird like that! Except this year, we have different plans. It still partially involves the beach but not entirely. I will post about it later in the week.

 I decided this year I was not going to have a repeat of last year.

Here is the lowdown on last year. We decided not to go to the beach. We opted to stay home and spend the entire week renovating our house. I missed my glow, and had the “brilliant” idea (tongue in cheek here!) to get a salon tan. The idea of having a fan blowing in my face, very little sweat, and twice the tan in half the time was quite appealing. Little did I realize these young things that run these places are not always trained with your best interests in mind. I think they’re more attuned to the studio music and text messaging. I went to a tanning facility down the street from where I live. The tan little perky teenager asked me how long I wanted to tan. I asked her if I should go for a short time or if I’d burn if I went the full twenty minutes. “Oh, sure, you’ll be fine,” Miss Know It All assured me. I must mention that I decided to bare my stomach which hadn’t seen the sun in MANY years! So, I sweated my butt off, twisting and turning and thinking twenty minutes WOULD NEVER END. I noticed I was a bit pink when I left.

When I got home and looked in the mirror and saw I was really red, and I was starting to hurt…BADLY! Dang, I knew I am so going to regret this and it was the first day of my vacation. I decided there was no way I was going to let Dirt Man know what I’d done. I knew I’d never hear the end of it. I’d get no sympathy from him. I called Peg because I knew she’d feel my pain, even if she thought I was an idiot! I changed clothes…capris and three quarter length sleeve blouse, and powdered my face to camouflage the burn.

The more time that passed the more painful and deeper red it became. I slathered on aloe that had pain reliever in it. The relief only lasted for a nanno second. The pain was excruciating. I took Tylenol, rubbed my skin with ice, and turned my attention to google. Dirt Man was busy with repairs so he had not YET noticed my pain or the fact that I looked like a tomato. I found all these home remedies on the internet that suggested things like plastering yourself in mustard…yuck, the thought of that was enough to make me want to throw up. I knew I’d never survive the smell. I settled on trying a tepid tea bath. No relief, I started getting crimson splotches. Then, I tried a vinegar bath. The smell was horrible and offered no relief. I was walking stiffly; not wanting to be touched…how was I possibly going to hide this? Avoidance was worth a try. It was very difficult to remain a distance from a spouse who wants to hug you. I finally had to admit stupidity when I winced at his touch. Besides the scent of vinegar was overwhelming!

  Later, I found out that I really should not have tanned for more than five minutes for my first couple of visits. Yes, I did go back. I had paid for a whole months worth of visits, so I kept going, covering my stomach and back and only tanning my arms and legs. Needless to say, I blistered, bumped, peeled, and mottled.

 This year my stomach will not meet Mr. Sunshine. I will get just a little sun, naturally of course. When we head out to bask in the sun, I’ll be sure to use #30 sun protection. I’ll be the really white glow on the beach amongst the tanned beauties.

61 thoughts on “Fried, Half Baked, Or A Bit Of Both!

  1. Reading your story over a cup of coffee before leaving for the hospital. Love your story here as always, and boy did you make me hurt from that sun burn. I could feel your pain and it brought back memories of the time I got first degree sun burn when I was twenty. Man did I have a tough time with getting over that one. Now you take it easy Suzi, I want you to be able to enjoy your vacation. Well sweetie have to be walking out the door, I have a long drive to the hospital. You have a good day. Love Viola

  2. Oh your pain! When I was younger I used to take the “OMG! You’re white!” comment as an insult. Now after a few bouts of skin cancer and living in FL, I strive for pale skin. If I do go to the beach, it’s #50 for me.

  3. Oooh Ow! We just came back from a week at the beach and camping, and yes, I burned, sun block and all. Add salt from the ocean to the burn and, well, pain yes. But we had fun nontheless. I’m so used to being the snowball all summer that having any sort of color right now is novel.

    Enjoy your vacation!

  4. #1. You should’ve reported “The tan little perky teenager” to the management; she’s going to end up killing someone!
    #2. Why do you call Charles “Dirt Man”?!!
    #3. If you want a quick, natural looking tan (and this comes from the queen of the sun and tanning beds…), call The Avon Lady; they make a new product called “Skin So Soft Satin Glow”; the best “natural tan in a tube” I’ve ever used!!

    • 1. Mentioned it to the person on duty when I went back and she shrugged her shoulders. 2. when he’s working outside (site develpment) instead of the office he comes home really dirty and Oldest wrote a poem when he was small called “My Daddy is the Dirtiest Man in the World”. 3. Will have to give that a try!

  5. You have no idea how many memories you brought back for me about tanning salons. I too lived by the beach in Florida, but would still rather go to the tanning salon. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten that burnt, but I have burned. And I LOVE how they say it’s the SAFEST way to tan.


    Now, I use a self-tanner in the summer to achieve a little color on my WHITE skin and avoid the sun completely. I swear, I’ve turned into a VAMPIRE.

    Count Dracula

    • Count Dracula! I have experimented with the self tanners and found one last year that I liked and can’t remember which brand it was. It so eay to streak, but mainly the palms of my hands turn orange if I’m not quick enough to wash them!

  6. Ouch! Sorry about that 🙂
    I always get the ‘Oh my God, look at you, you’re so white’ comment- people never get tired of saying that! And since I’m not a big fan of sunbathing, it seems like I’ll have to get used to hearing it… for the rest of my life… 🙂

  7. I thought I’d top off my Florida tan one year just in case it had faded a bit and I made a mistake of going too long too. You are so completely accurate about the pain!

  8. Eee Gads! Suzicate! That tanning salon would scare the wits out of me. I keep out of the sun now although I used to love it. Now if I’m at the beach, I’m the one covered head to toe and in the big hat with 50 sunscreen slathered on me even under my clothes! I used to adore the sun but now I avoid it as much as possible. It’s really so hard on your skin!

    • Yes, I have a friend who can attest to that. I also have twin aunts, one of which sunned constantly and now is all leathery while the other one has gorgeous skin!

  9. Oh reading about your sunburn made me nauseous. That is a terrible pain. And when it is all over you can’t escape it.

    I am really rather shocked at that teen working there. They should be better trained because burns are a very serious thing.

    I hang out with a lot of naturally “tan” people so when I lift up my forearm and say, “This IS tanned.” Their eyes kinda bug out. I am so white I glow in the dark.

    • Nice to meet another Casper! I tell people when they comment on my laack of tan that I am saving my skin and to talk to me and compare in ten more years!

      • That is a good way to put it!

        My friends are naturally dark skinned so they probably don’t realize that I have other skin 😉 that is WAY whiter/lighter than my arms. They are all a natural golden brown.

  10. I remember that! Were you old enough to remember our brother, G’s faisco at Van Riper’s Lake trying to impress a girl? Stayed out in the sun ALL day with no base tan and literally had two and three in long blisters on his legs and back and stomach? It would have been hilarious had it not been so scary…. ok… it was still hilarious.

  11. ouchie! that sounds excrutiating! definitely no repeats of last year’s escapade in this year’s vacation plan – hope y’all find lots of seashells and find a million trivial things to talk and laugh about.

  12. ouch… I’ve never really wanted to go to a tanning salon, but now I’m completely convinced that I’ll just take a few minutes at a time in the sun. Hope you have fun on your trip.Heartspell

  13. I’ve never been to a tanning salon and never will after reading this! I have skin that tans easily yet living here where the sun beats down for so many months of the year I wear Factor 100 all the time and still get brown, nowhere near as brown as everyone else but I am not worried as I prefer to play it safe.

  14. yikes. scary stuff. knew a girl in college that fel asleep in one and they forgot her…major damage…a little sun is not bad though…smiles.

  15. Yikes!

    All I’ve ever read about tanning salons is that they are VERY BAD for your skin. BUt even more so if you approach it like she encouraged you to do! yowzer!

    I’m all for the spray tan. Or the self tanner. Although I’ve a story about self tanner that will make your red sunburn overdo seem trifle…

  16. someone once told me that I should wash off the sun after tanning if I didn’t want to get too red- weird, but it kind of works. I also burn easily- and usually get a good burn once a year (like I get a good hangover once a year) to remind myself I am not invincible. Currently, I am tan on my shoulders and arms, and from my knees down- thats all the world needs to see anyway.

  17. My farmer’s tan is at the pinnacle now since we recently returned from the beach. It will return to alabaster soon enough. Though I live in the NE, so I can blend well.

  18. Oh my gosh — 20 minutes when 5 was recommended. What the heck!? That’s just negligent on their part. Criminal!

    That must’ve been horrible.

    I used to lay in the sun, but have only been tan once in the past 15 years. I’m white and I’m fine with that. Beauty is in how we carry and feel about ourselves. And you ARE beautiful, outside and in.


    • I have always been envious of those dark beauties. However, I have a friend going through some serious difficulties resulting from about thirty years of extreme sunning (plus salon winter tanning). So, I am glad I haven’t really overdone it on a continual basis.

  19. I’m pastey white all the time. I don’t even tan from going to the tanning bed every day (but I do burn!) so I just gave up. I’ve been spray tanning but I’m going to quit that, too. It’s too messy and expensive.

  20. Ooucchhhh….been there, done it. Not anymore, the only sun I get is when going out on the boat but use 45 sunblock…the things we do to ourselves…and why they employ people that know nothing…blows my mind! I love reading your stories that you so eloquently describe. Have a lovely day girlfriend ~ Hugs x

  21. I’ve never been to a tanning salon, except a spray tan salon… I didn’t realize you could burn so badly in those beds! Ouch! I love the sun… as bad as it is for me, it’s one thing I just can’t stay away from. I smear on the sunscreen, but still soak up the rays. For me, there’s nothing more relaxing!

    • Honestly, i love the look of a tan, but I don’t tan a pretty golden shade like most people. However, I do love the beach and the water, without the water element I prefer Fall. It’s the water that relaxes me, and I often get headaches from the sun, probably from squinting!

  22. Yep, been there, done that. When I was a kid I spent almost all summer on a beach, in the sun and looked like a blond Indian. Then as a teenager and young adult, I worked hard to get a dark tan – even had a contest with a girl I worked with one year. Now I’m older, wrinkled and not many parts of my body see sun anymore. Now I counsel no tan – or tanning sprays or self tanning creams. No sun tans. Or tanning booth tans. Bad for your health. Good for your ego, but bad for your health.

  23. Hi. I worked for a dermatologist, and please, just stay white. It really is beautiful once you associate it with healthy skin.

    What do you think of the spray on tanning places? The tan looks real…

    all I’m saying, is just maybe go and visit one…

  24. I never understood the appeal of tanning on purpose. I get enough sun just doing yard work! I look like an old piece of leather!

    Well I hope you didn’t burn this year, last year sounds like torture. Hope you have a good vacation.

  25. Oh, this was wonderful reading! You made me laugh and wince throughout this piece. I burned myself really badly this summer right before my boyfriend came and visited me…. I was molting everywhere by the time I saw him. I’m sure it was very attractive haha

    Good luck with the light summer tan!

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