Sinful Cyber Schemes

The computerized self checkouts at B.J.’s Whole Sale Club hate me. Every one of them. I think it might be four of them. Doesn’t matter which one I use, something always messes up. Usually, it won’t scan an item. “Remove item from the belt. Scan again.” I hate that darn smug voice! Inevitably, the lights start blinking, silently blaring “Idiot at this register” until a manger with a key can stop it, swipe her card and if that doesn’t work manually punch in those numbers.

Today was no different except that it was worse. I decided to quickly get the gazillion items I needed and speed back home to meet Dirt Man so we could go out to dinner. (I hear what you’re sayin’ so just shut it. No the “non diet” does NOT exist anymore…it has turned into the “NO WAY IN HELL AM I ON A DIET CUZ THEY SUCK!!!! eating plan) Gosh, I sure feel better. Back to my story….I had a lot of things to get, but decided to only pick up half of them, which filled my shopping cart. And I had a lot of coupons because I had just gotten their monthly coupon book in the mail, and I was out of like everything. I scanned all of my items through. Only one item wouldn’t scan and it worked on the second swipe.

So, what was the problem…well, I’m going to tell you. I started scanning my coupons, and the voice would direct me to place coupon in slot after I’d already done it, and then tell me it was not going to except it because the coupon holder was full. So, the lights on the pole at the register started blinking. Yeah, I could feel the eyes of all the customers just staring me down. The teenage cashier dude came over and unlocked the box and shifted all the coupons around. Same message blares “Coupon box is full. Remove and empty box.” He tries over and over. Then another teenage cashier dude comes over and tells him to do what he just did. They work on it for about ten minutes. Then he calls in the big guns. Apparently, if there’s a problem you call the big bad older females in to take over.

So, the first woman tries shuffling and then smashing down the coupons and then she dumps the box out and replaces it. She bangs it around, opens and closes it and tries to swipe her card. THE WHOLE DANG COMPUTER FREEZES!!!! So this boss lady calls in the bigger boss lady. In the meantime, my quick shopping trip is turning into a really long one. While I’m not angry at them because it’s the dang stupid computer I want to kick, I am starting to feel a migraine coming on. I’m trying to mentally psyche out the pounding in my head, yeah like that’s ever worked before.

The ultimate boss lady tells me that they are going to have to take all of my items (yes, a couple hundred dollars worth) to another register and ring them up again. Well, I’d already put through $19 worth of coupons, so I was about to be even more perturbed. She could still see the read out so they pulled that amount out in coupons to run through the new order. And I hadn’t finished. Yeah, I was having a good coupon day. That was why the computer jixed me. See, I am usually the person that gets home and discovers that I had a $10 coupon for Turbo Tax, $7 coupon for the Brit water pitcher , $5 for the filters, $10 for the printer ink, and $5 for the Zyrtec. Yes, that is what I do on an average trip, but this time I was ready. List, coupons, B.J,’s card (sometimes I actually forget that), and credit card. I mean I was on a roll. But the computer had to be pissed because for once I had it together and it was jealous. So, if you really believe that computers aren’t alive, you are sadly mistaken. They are jealous insecure women in disguise and they are out to get us just when we think we have it all together. They’re trying to mess with our heads!

So, dog gone it, they rescanned and repacked my purchases and scanned my coupons. And I saved $31. Was it worth the aggravation of having to redo everything? Honestly? Heck no! It was a pain. I was ready to pay them an extra $31 just to let me leave the store.

So, Dirt Man and I ended up going to Cheesecake Factory. We had drinks (I had to relieve all that stress!) and a nice dinner. And we bought a cheesecake to take home. White chocolate raspberry. Yeah, I deserved it, even if I say so myself.

BUT……little did I know that the dang B.J.’s computer was in cahoots with my personal laptop. It went berserk on me! (They must have designed their dastardly plot while we were at dinner.) The Caps Lock got stuck and wouldn’t release even when I restarted the computer. I could feel that freakin’ migraine coming back. Eventually (after doing a Google search) I fixed it by going into the fonts and resetting it. But I don’t know why it happened in the first place. I think there must be computer telepathy and conspiracy between those two systems. Evil jealous women in disguise…that’s what I think!

40 thoughts on “Sinful Cyber Schemes

  1. Paul over at the Grocery Store Clerk adventure page should enjoy this quite a bit. Those damn things always malfunction on me too. Do they work for anyone? Honestly. Cheesecake sounds goooood. A little hole in the wall here, Mr. Cheesecake, produces the type of delish cakes you could eat all of in one sitting. And gain 39 pounds in one sitting.

  2. See now, I was just impressed that you were able to fix that cap lock thing. A Google search? Good for you! And while I’m praising you…those are some serious coupons!

  3. If the drink doesn’t work on the scanner try chocolate. If that doesn’t work just b*tch slap the ho! LOL Works for me! 🙂

    $31?? Dang girl, you need to come to GA and shop with me!

  4. I do love me some coupons. And cheesecake..mmmm…cheesecake. I never use those self do ones. I’m pretty sure I must emit EMP pulses because they always screw up when I’m around.

    We have the same convo at my house~
    Hubby: how much did you spend?
    Me: No! Let me tell you how much I saved.


  5. OMG, SC….this post was freakin’ HYSTERICAL!

    This totally cracked me up….

    ..”They are jealous insecure women in disguise and they are out to get us just when we think we have it all together. They’re trying to mess with our heads!”…


    Hey listen, funny you should be posting this today because earlier this week I had something similar happen with one of these DANG machines at CVS. I feel like a total imbecile because EVERYTIME I use one, somethings happens that screws it up.

    I think the next time, I’ll try Lisa and Peg’s suggestions – HA!

    • Happy to ahve made you laugh. It’s worth a shot, maybe a shot of I would say tequila but I hate that stuff…chocolate always works if someone wants to get on mys nice side. I’ll start keeping it in my purse! Those are some mean and temperaMENTAL machines!

  6. Self-check-out can be SUCH a pain,and it sounds like you had a killer experience. 😦 On the plus side, Cheesecake Factory is the bestest.

  7. I am totally afraid of the self-check out stuff. I set of alarms, nothing works right, I always have to ask for holp. It’s just not something I can do. There are plenty of things I’m proficient at, but alas, self check out is not one of them.

    Glad you went out for dinner! Glad you had a drink! Glad you brought cheesecake home! You go Girl!

  8. Thanks for your comments on my blog.
    I’m just going to post when I have something I want to post. Don’t know how often that will be. I don’t want to HAVE to post or feel that I have to everyday.

  9. My husband and I are always commenting on how technology, that is SUPPOSED to make things easier, always seems to find a way to: make things more complicated, suck time out of your day, double your workload, etc. So sorry to hear your double dose of techno-misery!

  10. The associates practiced insanity – doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. LOL!

    I love the Cheesecake Factory. Please have a slice on my behalf of the raspberry cheeseacake you brought home! YUM!

  11. Self Checkouts I can’t handle, the kids just go through them like it’s nothing but I am stuck there just looking over the options waiting on the whistles and sirens to go off and the idiot arrow to drop down above my head, I just cut to the chase and go to a regular register because I know it’s going to be painful enough Ha Ha

    Drinks and Cheesecake for the scanner just may ease tha pain, you just may have to try that or even google scanners because if the Caps lock is stuck on the scanner and you don’t have all capital items then there is your problem 🙂

  12. I hate the self check out because something like that always happens. I still use them because there are never any lines for them.

    Glad you got to go out for drinks.

  13. I hear you, the one time I do it all “right” and then all hell breaks loose. Frankly, though, it was worth the 31 bucks, in my book. I prefer the plain cheesecake myself

  14. Self check-outs are Satan incarnated on earth. Every time the computer chirps out ‘THANK you for using self checkout!’ I mutter ‘as if I had any choice, you silicone f***wit!’.

    The Cheesecake Factory is a real place? I thought it was a restaurant they made up for an episode of iCarly (yes, I do love some of my daughter’s ridiculous Family tv shows). I want to go to the Cheesecake Factory!

  15. I just got rid of a migraine! HAD THAT FRICKER FOR OVER 24 HOURS, NOT A REAL ,

    oh shoot, all caps, sorry — speaking about laptop challenges… 🙂 But I should not complain about this laptop’s small keyboard, I’ll get used to it. We were a 1-computer household until yesterday a.m. and now we have 3!! Whoo-hoo. Very good in a house were 3 human love computer time. Hubby had points accrued with Napa auto last year and both The Child and I cashed ours in on these Acer netbooks. And a digicam for the hubbs. SWEET!!!

    Anyway, the migraine was not as bad as some. I get them on average every 6 weeks or so, just for a day.

    ALL self check-outs hate me!!!


  16. I hate the grocery store. HATE IT. I use the self-checkout, but about once a month I have a ridiculous scene like yours. And it just reinforces the hatred I have for all things grocery related. If I had a ton of money, the first thing I would do is hire someone to go to the grocery store for me. Oh, and then I would hire someone to cook all the stuff from the grocery store. Basically, I’d hire myself a mother. 🙂

    Cheesecake cures everything.

  17. Definitely skip those machines. I do. Mine give me grief at Walmart. I’d rather wait in the mile long line than do one of those quicky checkout thing-a-ma-bobs. I’ve been stuck at them way too many times.

  18. We shop at Sam’s Club and they don’t take coupons but I feel your pain on the self checkout. The Ikea registers hate me and I always scan something wrong.

    Rock on coupon savings though, it’s my new mission in life to save save save. The best I’ve done so far is save $58 and spent $70. Not bad!

  19. Evil jealous women in disguise…that’s what I think! LOL!

    I swear it wasn’t me! I have to say I am a teeny bit jealous that you have hundreds to spend in the first place, but great job on saving so much!

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