Jose Cuervo Is Not My Friend

This is my entry for the Living Out Loud Project. This month’s theme is “Drinking Buddies” in which we were to step outside our box (comfort zone) and speak about our relationship with alcohol.

As a little girl, I came to know that alcohol sometimes turned ordinarily gentle and loving people into obnoxious strangers. Some of these people just became stupid, loud, or overly sentimental. But some actually became vile word slingers. Sometimes fists were slammed on tables or even lives threatened. With the addition of alcohol, a chaotic but otherwise seemingly typical house would often teeter on the edge of violence.

As a teenager, I watched people young and old use and abuse it. I even had friends who used it as an escape from other things. I was a fairly timid person. I was a straight A (occasional B) student who followed life pretty much by the rules. I was afraid of the consequences of doing the wrong thing, and I’d also seen the catastrophic results of many who made wrong decisions. I spent a lot of time alone and I was the type of person who generally thought things through and planned my actions. Then, I went to my first party. I discovered that my inhibitions flew out of the window when I had a few drinks. I became funny and popular. It became a social thing.

I still don’t know what possessed my cousin and I to do this. We decided to drink on the school bus on the way to school. I knew where my father had some moonshine stashed. I poured some in a tall green Tupperware tumbler and then filled it with mountain dew. Yeah, what a combination. I had to keep burping the lid to prevent it from exploding. My cousin and I always sat in the back of the bus. We drank it on the way to school. While we were drinking it, the girl in the seat across from us complained the whole time of the smell giving her a headache. We knew she was going to snitch on us. So, when we got to school, we went to the girls bathroom and wrapped the cup in brown paper towels from the dispenser, placed it in a plastic bag, and threw it in the trash can to dispose of the evidence. Our first class was PE. We were running and acting like lunatics and sweating like crazy. Do you know how bad that smells? Everyone kept saying they could smell booze. We could only laugh about it. It didn’t take long for everyone to figure out who it was and then the word was all over the school. By the next bell we were called together (it’s a good thing because alone, I would have caved!)into the vice principal’s office. He told us he heard we had been drinking on the bus and wanted to know if it was true. This man and his wife happened to be very good friends with our aunt and her husband. It didn’t occur to me to use that, but my cousin was quick. My cousin asked him if he thought we were that stupid to do something like that knowing that it would get back to our parents. He told us that because of our exemplary academic and disciplinary records he believed us. We got a “get out of jail free” card! We never found out if he told our aunt, but our folks never found out. Just so you know I’m not proud of this, but I’m going for honesty here. If my own kids had pulled a stunt like this, I’d have kicked their butts. Had my father found out about this incident, I wouldn’t be here to tell the tale.

I’d like to say that I learned my lesson and never drank again. But that would be a lie.

I soon thereafter met my enemy, tequila. You know the kinda dare that you’re gonna come out a loser either way. This was one of those times. Dirt Man and I were dating and he wanted to go fishing. How dare he want to go fishing while he was with me! We had a bottle of tequila and I threatened him that if he really wanted to fish that I was going to sit in the car and drink the entire fifth. He looked at me, laughed, and headed towards the river. Damn him I thought as I took the first swig. It burned all the way down…no chaser except another swig. When he got back I’d drank over half the bottle. Yeah, I was toasted. Mostly just giggly and funny. Not sick…YET. He took me to his brother’s house to sober me up. I remember laughing hysterically at the spinning toilet until everything came up and I missed the toilet…BECAUSE IT WAS SPINNING!!!!! Dirt Man cleaned me up and took me home. He actually carried me over his shoulder to my front door and passed me off to my mother saying, “Here is your drunk daughter. I’m not sure what she was trying to prove by drinking almost a whole bottle of tequila.” Now, you have to know that my mother was a teetotaler, never touched a drop of alcohol to her lips her entire life. I won’t tell you how sick I was, but I was probbly hungover for a week.  And I will say tequila has not graced my lips in twenty-five years. The smell still gives me dry heaves.

Then came the frat parties at the university Dirt Man attended. Let’s just say that the streets near the frat houses and I developed a close relationship as I bowed to throw up on them from the passenger side of the car  almost every weekend. Yes, my puke graced the streets my feet never once touched foot upon. Years later I couldn’t even recall the landmarks in that area because I had always been face down to the pavement. SuziCate used to be a wild thang! Obviously, not very intelligent either as it took me a while to learn how to drink in moderation.

When we had kids, I gave up drinking with the exception of a special occasion glass of wine. Dirt Man gave it up when his father died. We decided we wanted to be good examples for our children. We assumed that the absence of alcohol in our home would somehow deter them from drinking. Our sons are college students. What do most college students do at some time or another? Right, they drink. So much for our philosophy, strategy, or whatever you want to call it

I know that alcoholism invites physical violence and emotional trauma. These are things that have no place in my current life. I still know people who turn into verbal maniacs when they consume alcohol, and I try to avoid those situations. I still get nervous when things get loud or out of control.  I am not nor have I ever been into the bar scene. If I am somewhere or around someone whose cunsumption makes me uneasy, I leave. However, I am fine with having  drinks with friends.

 Anyway alcohol is no longer banned from our house nor does it create a threatening atmosphere. Wine has made it’s way to our dinner table, and beer is consumed with pizza and football. Our home has developed a healthy relationship with alcohol. It doesn’t take center stage, but it’s not excluded. Tequila is a different story…too much bad blood between us. If you want to continue to be my friend, don’t EVER offer me a shot of tequila!