A Little Rain, A Little Peace.

It is difficult to narrow the theme song of my life to just one song. I mean I think I could probably take every single song Creedence Clearwater Revival ever recorded and somehow tweek it to fit some part of my life. I just love their music…the beat…the words. I mean what’s not to love?

I think I’m going to break this into two parts and claim “Have You Ever Seen The Rain” as the theme for the first part. I grew up in a large chaotic household with an even larger and more conflicted extended family. I was a child filled with anxieties. I worried about losing everyone I loved. I worried about wanting anything because I knew things cost money and  did not want to be an additional burden. I was fearful of new situations, distrustful of new people, and petrified of loud noises and storms. I learned to conceal this stress behind a smile and commanded as much control over my life as I was able.

I have lived much of my life in frustration and unnecessary turmoil from worrying about things of which I have no control. I was (and to a degree still am!) a control freak. I had gotten to the point that I was living what I considered a happy life, but still I was plagued by the ‘what ifs”. What if I had left the stove (or the iron or my curling iron) on and the house burned down? What if I hadn’t locked the door and we were robbed? What if I lost my job? What if someone I loved was killed in a car accident? The thoughts were constant. I was living in the calm before the storm. I was so busy waiting for my world to be washed away that I wasn’t enjoying my life.

I have never had huge career ambitions. Moving up the corporate ladder was never my goal. The most important thing in my life was my family. I wanted to provide them with a happy and stable home. I wanted it as much for them as I did for myself. I needed this home and this family as a comfort and a refuge. It was vital to my absolute being that I give my children the security that I never felt as a child. I sometimes did this at my own expense, kind of like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

However, I kept searching for “things” to make us happy. We joined organizations that associated us with the parents of our children’s peers. We became involved in school and sport activities and supported various community causes. I was the good wife and mother who did not know how to say no. I did almost anything and everything for almost anyone who asked. There were times that I was frazzled and tired, but we were living “the good life”. We measured up to the standards of our friends and neighbors.

Seventeen years ago, something happened that changed my perspective on life which in turn rerouted the course of our lives. I was held up at gun point at my job. There has never been a more eye-defining moment in my life. I lived to make it home to the three most important people in my life, my husband and our two small sons. I learned that day that life must be shared through the heart and not through designer labels or trying to impress people who were probably not going to be a part of our lives in ten years. I’m not saying that I made those changes that very day, but the seed was planted.

My focus changed, but it still took me five more years to say goodbye to my job. It was amazing how much stress disappeared when I walked out of those doors for the last time. I opened my own business which is not completely stress free, and yes, I do demand to be somewhat in control. There are two things that I can control, and they are my actions and my reactions. I try not to waste time and energy worrying about the decisions and actions of others. If things don’t go according to my plans…it’s okay, not the end of the world. I reevaluate and take things from there.

So, this takes me to the theme song of the second part of my life. I live most of my days to “Peace of Mind” by Boston. I have worked long and hard to achieve this balance…this comfort in my spirit. I try not to worry about things before they happen but deal with them if and when the situation arises. According to The Beggar King and the Secret of Happiness, the secret of happiness is good judgment which is achieved through experience which is attained by bad judgment. It’s not to say that I don’t still make mistakes, but I learn from them. All that I have been and everything I have done has attributed to who I am now. And I am satisfied.

I think a lot of the changes that I’ve made in my life through the years has purely come from the wisdom that can only come from age and experience. I don’t live my life according to the opinions or directions of friends or relatives. I live my life by my own standards. I try not to worry about what other people think, and sometimes that’s hard. The bottom line is that I know their opinions might affect my attitude but won’t have any bearing on my soul. I mostly live through my heart, but I have to occasionally check in with my brain to keep the balance. When my heart is warm and my mind is peaceful, I am happy. Really, what more could I want?