On Being Paralyzed By Panic

The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.  ~Joseph Campbell

 

Have you ever skirted the edge of safety, danced with danger? Have you stood upon the precipice with trembling knees and racing heart? Was the excitement so strong you could taste it? Did you find yourself holding your breath?

Most of the “firsts” in life feel this way for me. I’ve always been a person who craves security. Change has always been a challenge for me.  In the last few years I’ve taken lots of baby steps in hopes of ever so slightly expanding my world.

Two of my biggest obstacles were my fear of heights and the vulnerability of others reading my writing. While I haven’t gone sky diving, I have scaled the ledges of some huge mountains out west…I scrambled frantically at times, but I survived.  I released my words to the world…I was rejected by some and embraced by others. I’ve attempted many other small hurdles, and not only endured but broadened my horizon and met wonderful people along the way.

Ideas poke and prod me. Voices scream at me. Synchronicity comes and goes. I often resist these nudges. Sometimes they remain unnoticed until the opportunity passes. I have found most of the things I resist are the very things I need the most. Why? Human nature, fear, not really sure. I’ve been told if I look the fear head on with understanding it’s easier to conquer. Yes, identifying the fear is half the battle. I have friends who use the “what if…worst scenario” questioning to move beyond the anxiety. I’ve learned to breathe deeply and slowly  while simply placing one foot in front of the other. While I will never be considered a dare devil, I have the courage to take chances and open myself to allow change.

Have you ever been paralyzed by panic? What did you do to make your way through? Did you find it wasn’t as big of a deal as your mind had portrayed it to be? Tell us your story.

When Words Lead Us Home

“Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one’s weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.” ~Mahatma Gandi

This flower caught my eye…We are fragile souls living in a sometimes heartless world. Though we may be broken or torn, we are each (hearts, bodies, and souls) beautiful in our own right.

Yesterday’s post was not meant to say I won’t be posting…it was an explanation of where I’ve been. We all know there is no timing or method to my posting. I prefer to post because I have something to say, not to post just to say something. Of course, I have many draft files, but those are not always what my heart is saying at the time.

Today’s Musing:

The words we write in the margins are often the most important words of all. Those words are the heart of the matter, and the rest is simply art; beautification, adornment used to make sense of the emotion.

Whether we are writing or reading we often jot down what stirs us. These are the passages we go back to time and again. We meditate on them, explore them, elaborate on them, and allow them to lead us where they will.

We live life much the same way. We trust in our beliefs and morals to guide us. No matter where we go we come back to these.

Your soul places words upon your life. Read the writing on your heart and see where it takes you.

Upon A Drift In Time

“Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.” ~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

 

Perhaps to some it appears I have withdrawn from society. Perhaps to a degree I temporarily have. I have retreated to the quiet zone, to a place of listening. I have entered sacred territory, the heart of relationship. Living in relationship has nothing to do with being thrust into the midst of the world.

As you know, there is no right or wrong way to do this. Some meditate. Some pray. Others create art, listen to music, read, dance, or walk in nature. We absorb ourselves where we are led. We do what feeds us. I’m doing a bit of it all as I am called. We all need times of quiet solitude.

I am not absent…I am reentering the flow…

Star Gazing

“Star trails cut by contrails”
This is a compilation of 200 frames at 20 second intervals. Taken before the Last Quarter Moon rise.
f-2.8, 15 seconds, 1600 ISO

“You never enjoy the world aright, till the sea itself floweth in your veins, till you are clothed with the heavens and crowned with the stars.” ~Thomas Traherne

My husband has chased the stars for years. When our kids were little he’d pack up the van, bundle the kids in warm clothes (in winter)  and head out to various locations to watch for a view of orbiting space stations, comets, meteor showers, or any other night sky visual of interest. Dirt Man subscribes to various astronomy type web pages, so he has always “been in the know” of these celestial events. Often we headed to the beach or to the mountains. Other times a dark parking lot or open field in the country sufficed. The kids and I found it exciting the first few times, but after a few trips and only a short flash of said intended object, if indeed we even had a good view, we were done.

The kids grew up, so I’m the one left to accompany him on these outings. However, the grown children are quite interested, especially if it involves viewing from the computer and not having to go anywhere with us! Surprisingly, I’ve grown to appreciate these fieldtrips.

Dirt Man’s new obsession has become photographing the night sky. We started out photographing the moon which I was able to participate with my own camera. Now it is the actual stars, and I must say it is fascinating. While it’s amazing what can be seen with the naked eye when you’re in a place with little to no light pollution, what is captured by the camera lens is tenfold.

I enjoy sitting or lying beneath the stars and watching celestial shows. Sometimes I think I see blinking stars or UFOs, but these usually prove to be airplanes. We catch sight of falling stars. I can identify the Milky Way and sometimes the Big and Little Dippers. Otherwise my guesses at constellations are usually wrong, but I am thrilled my husband is knowledgeable of these things. I love the sensation of sitting beneath the vast heavens and watching life unfold in the darkness.  I’m just a tiny speck in the universe, yet I get the distinct feeling my small part is important, that I am somehow connected to something so much bigger than I am able to comprehend.

The video below is about three hours of frames, one shot taken every twenty seconds and then compiled to a movie. You’re able to see some planes go through and also some shooting stars. It’s exciting to detect the movement of stars and planets which is not otherwise visible to the eye. If you put it on full scream the effect is even better. I hope you’ll take the time to watch…it’s less than a minute long and most likely not something you see often.

Spin Cycle:Obsession

Humor Just Makes Sense!

A smile starts on the lips, A grin spreads to the eyes, A chuckle comes from the belly; But a good laugh bursts forth from the soul, Overflows, and bubbles all around. – Carolyn Birmingham

This photo was taken a few nights ago. I don’t remember who said what or even what we were laughing about at the time, but it captures our mood for the majority of the night.

I did a lot of laughing this past weekend. Some chuckles were brought on by memories, others by the hilarity of the moment. Giggling is good for the soul. It cleanses and restores simultaneously. There is just something about being in the midst of family and good friends that eases us and lets the warmth rise to the surface. We feel lighter, less insecure, and just downright happy. In those few days my stresses melted and my mood soared…I love being around people who bring this out in me.

Are there people in life who bring out the best in you? People you are completely at ease with? People who you feel happy being around? Don’t you just wish we could be around those people all the time?

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine. — Lord Byron

Growing A Better World, One Seed At A TIme

Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.  ~Josh Billings

 

We traveled out of town this weekend to attend a memorial service for my aunt. We packed an air mattress and stayed at my husband’s childhood home which is now empty and up for sale. While it would be obvious memories would bounce at us from every wall what was unusual was the thumping on the windows that woke us up every morning about six thirty. It turns out this noise was an eastern blue bird who kept diving into the windows. I thought it was crazy until my husband explained what he  was doing. He could see his image in the window glass and thought he was fighting off a rival! Anyway, I’m going to get back to this bird in a bit…that is after I go on a slight rant, sorry.

We had a lovely time visiting with family and friends at this memorial. I had an interesting thing happen…a mentally disabled man I hadn’t seen in well over thirty years knew me by name the instant he saw me while two uncles I’ve seen in the past year had no idea who I was. The brain is a complex organ. I’m going somewhere with this so be patient with me. (I’m still on the subject of the complexity of brains here…) Sometimes people’s brains focus entirely on the wrong things, or perhaps this is my opinion.  Anyway, most of us have that one relative we must establish boundaries with, reguide in conversation, or steer clear of. We accept them as they are and realize no matter what we do or say she will still see things the way she see them and do and say whatever she wanst. This person on several occasions interrupted conversations I was involved in to throw in a sarcastic remark pertaining to me until I finally politely called her out on it. She then proceeded to push her way into an intimate discussion a close friend and I were having to tell my friend how another relative was so jealous of her. I redirected her conversation several times while my friend stood there silently with her mouth hung open. Finally, I told this person that it didn’t matter anyone’s physical size that we were all family and loved one another regardless, that those matters were trivial and petty. She continued to say well it mattered to the other person who was so jealous of her because she was thinner and prettier. Eventually, I pulled my friend a way and we left her standing alone. Ok, so here I’m getting back to the blue bird. My husband explained to me she was much like that blue bird banging himself up. He was so focused on another bird moving in his territory he beat himself up. This woman is so obsessed with the other person she can’t even see she is the problem. This person is a continuous story circle that knows neither beginning nor end, but I thought the blue bird comparison was worth mentioning.

We were able to get by my hometown Relay for Life. We had a fabulous time catching up with high school, childhood, and old family friends. It was a time of love, remembrance, and connection. Roots are just as wonderful as wings in life. While I’m delighted with where I am currently, I can’t tell you what a joy it is to return home to visit. I hugged so many people. Smiles and laughter bounced from person to person. I truly believe love and connection are why we are here. We have so much to give to one another, so much to share.

We traveled the back roads for several hours before we left my hometown county and returned to the beach. We took so many photographs while taking in the beauty. I realize my post today is quite random, so I’ll leave you with a photograph I took and a few parting words for today. These dandelion seeds will fly high and far. Many will latch to the soil and rebirth, and the process will continue. We have the power (and I think the obligation) to pass our good will to others. Together we can plant the seeds of respect, compassion and love to others…and we can grow a world of peace within and around us.

Putting Ego In Its Place

Have you ever had a day, due to your own expectations, which put you into a pity party, made you doubt if you are doing what you are supposed to be doing with your life at this place and time? I had one of these days on Saturday.

I had a book signing…after my last two which went well I had expectations this one would also. I had friends who assured me they’d be at this one. My venue offered me so many unexpected pluses. I touched base prior and the person who I’d made arrangements said all was according to plan. I got there and a different person was in charge that day and nothing that was previously discussed was done. And after the fact I found my Facebook post was on custom (not public) and went to one friend. The odds were not in my favor after all.

As you know I am not good at selling myself in the first place. I refuse to push my books on anyone. I have faith the people who are meant to read it will find it. During the two hour span the store only had about ten customers. They walked in the door and would immediately turn the other way…you know …avoid eye contact…don’t- look- that –woman- in- the -face -or -you -will -be –obligated- to- buy- whatever -she’s -selling…you know the guilt concept. Don’t lie, you know you’ve avoided looking the bell ringer in the eye at Christmas time…come on, you know you have. Anyway, I said hello to anyone who looked my way, but that’s as far as I went.

I know my books are not meant for everyone because they attract a certain type of people which not everyone fits into, and I’m ok with that. Still, this was scheduled during what was supposed to be the busiest time of the weekend. Epic fail on that part. I did not work the people, epic fail on my part. Anyway, as one couple was leaving the woman came over and asked me to tell her about what I was doing. I told her about my books, and she bought one. As she turned to leave she said to me, “Keep doing what you’re doing.”  She smiled and I smiled back and thanked her. I didn’t think much about it. I began to wallow in my misery…you know not that I want to be rich or anything, but it would be nice to break even on my investment for the books I purchased.

I had made a tiny profit on my first order and applied it to my second order.  Yes, I have sold books, but I’ve given away three times the amount I’ve sold. Bottom line is all the people who tell you they are dying to buy your book, aren’t. All the people who tell you they are going to your book signings aren’t. Sorry, but it’s the hard cold truth and I should have been smart enough not to base my purchases on feedback from others. People say these things because they want to make you feel good. However, most want to wait to see if you really are going to make it or not…you know, they depend on the media to tell them. Now of course, you really do find out who your friends are as well. They are the ones who rush out to buy your book and show up at your signings to support you…and yes, I had that at my first two signings. I started thinking that perhaps I’d run out of friends…sad state of affairs. I decided I just wasn’t well-liked after all. I basically felt like I sucked big time. In fact, I typed it out in a text to a friend who lives several states away and can count on during times of great elation and despair. Then I thought about it and deleted the message before sending it. I wasn’t focused on the sale I made…my mind was set on the sales I failed to make. I was not thinking about doing good in the world. I was thinking about losing money. See where I’m going with this?

Then, visions of those exploited American Idol contestants ran through my head. You know the ones who not only lack what it takes to make it in the music industry, but can’t even carry a tune? The ones Joe Public makes fun of? I began to wonder if I had been falsely encouraged because people didn’t have the heart to tell me my writing sucks.

I couldn’t sleep when I went to bed. I began to question why I was even writing. Was I writing because I had something to say or because I just wanted to say something? There’s a big difference between the two. Then the words of that woman replayed, “Keep doing what you are doing.” A Divine message. She was the messenger of the words I needed to focus on. I had fallen victim to my ego. I had let my purpose slip from sight.  I know why I write and why I choose to share what I write. Like most every other writer, it has little to do with money. The reason I have chosen this path runs much deeper.

It is not necessary for me to know the bigger picture. Perhaps this is the beginning of what’s to come. Perhaps my writing purpose is the delivery of a message to a particular person. If I know within I am doing what I am supposed to do, does it really matter why I am doing it? I know I only need to keep doing what I am doing, and the rest will play out in time.

I remind you to heed the words of the messenger, “Keep doing what you are doing.” You know deep in your soul if you are doing what you should be doing. Your heart is leading you. Know you are worthy. You are gifted in the area you are for a reason whether you are aware of that reason or not. Have faith you are doing what you are supposed to. Don’t allow the ego to guide you in this world. There are much deeper reasons for following our passions than status and money. Be thankful for your gift, and when your messenger speaks be thankful for that gift as well. Each star and planet is small in comparison to the many galaxies, and the infinite cosmos. We’re each but a tiny spot in this universe, but equally important and together we span the earth.

On Being A Member Of A Tribe

“It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more ‘manhood’ to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.” ~Alex Karras

I am continually amazed at the resilience of people, more so of their emotional strength than physical. I know people who have thought they were pushed beyond their limitations to be handed even more issues in which to deal.

I believe both physical and emotional strength are much deeper than DNA. While physical endurance is developed through training, I wonder if emotional fortitude is acquired in much the same manner.  I think it’s true we are often unaware of our own capabilities until we are tested.

The strongest asset for many of us is a belief system. Faith runs to the very core of our souls. It’s been proven those with positive attitudes fair better than those who are negative. Is positivity ingrained or learned? Take for example, two sisters who have similar health histories while one focuses on her ill health and the other sets her attentions on her blessings….who do you think will seem healthier to those viewing them? Who do you think actually feels better about life? Who do you think feels healthier,  physically and emotionally? Think about it. I’m sure you can come up with a pair of people in your life that come with the same circumstances but deal with them differently. While health is not always a choice, how we deal with our health is.

As for faith, it can be a religious concept but it runs much deeper than text. It’s relationship, with God, ourselves, and the people around us. Sometimes we are taught this, and sometimes we find it ourselves. I think the faith part is how we embrace our beliefs, how we fit it into our lives on a personal level. Some of us know ourselves better than others. Some are afraid of knowing themselves…they don’t understand that in knowing themselves they will know God and vice versa. We are divine beings given all we need to function in this world. We are endowed with the ability to tap into it, but many choose not.

The people around us are our personal tribe. They are the people who “get” us, who love us regardless of our flaws. Your tribe might be your family. They might be your friends. Or a combination of both. Never take them for granted. They are the ones who pull together and provide strength when one of their members is weakened.

There comes a time the harsh realization that someone you thought was part of your tribe is not there for you. Though you might be hurt, don’t spend too much energy trying to understand. We aren’t all made of the same stuff. Some can handle situations others can’t. Some people don’t want to be bothered. And that’s ok. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them or they don’t love you. It more or less defines your tribal unit. You will be surprised by the outpour of love from people you didn’t expect. Life has a way of bringing people in and out of our lives when needed. Be mindful of these instances because you learn a lot of lessons about life and people through them.

Together a tribe can move mountains. At any rate, they can save a person.  Love can be anything but simple, and yet it can be so simple. There is no greater motivation in life than love. If we can all learn to be less self-serving and more giving we can learn to love to in a way beneficial to all of mankind.

The Power Of Love

Father Time is not always a hard parent, and, though he tarries for none of his children, often lays his hand lightly upon those who have used him well; making them old men and women inexorably enough, but leaving their hearts and spirits young and in full vigor. With such people the grey head is but the impression of the old fellow’s hand in giving them his blessing, and every wrinkle but a notch in the quiet calendar of a well-spent life. ~Charles Dickens

 

Effects of time cannot be predetermined. The body might fall apart while others lose their grip on reality. We become mere ghosts of who we once were. How sad and frustrating it must be to him whose body cannot function to the will of the mind.

I visited this past weekend with my one hundred-plus year old friend. She told me she can’t see, hear, or taste these days and goes sometimes a full week without human contact. She is still sharper and wittier than most people half her age on a good day! She said when she starts thinking and gets depressed, she reminds herself of the long and blessed life she’s lived. She’s traveled to several countries, met people from all over the world, and had her share of beaus in her time.

When people’s bodies fail them, we often assume their minds have as well. But even if their minds are altered, I can’t imagine they cease to feel. Touch, love from another, has proven to keep many hanging on. It’s comforting to think in dire circumstances those unable to communicate respond to touch and love.

When my son was on a ventilator and we were still unaware of the extent of brain damage. We held onto him, massaged him, squeezed his hands, kissed him, talked to him, and sent him our own energy for healing. We let all of his friends into ICU. We wanted him to feel the energy of the love in which he was surrounded. God works in mysterious ways. Before he ever spoke or made any physical motions, he squeezed our hands in return, and gripped our hands when we tried to pull away to allow someone else to enter. On an unconscious level I think he felt and heard everything though he remembers very little.

This week it seems death has lingered. It passed by some, and took others. I have no explanation for those chosen. Both life and death are filled with lessons; lesson of living, lessons of dying, and lessons of loving. May we each take what we learn and apply it to making the best of the days we have left.

I believe in touch. I believe in the power of love. I am a hugger. If I make you uncomfortable, I apologize; but I’ll never apologize for loving you.

Teetering

They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death cannot kill what never dies. ~William Penn

Some days the weight of the world is heavier than my shoulders can carry. With all that’s been going on in the world lately I’m sure you understand the sentiment. However, when things are amiss in your own private world, the weight is tenfold.

It’s difficult being away from the people you love when times are tough. My father has been having some health difficulties this past week. He’s been experiencing some “spells” which have weakened him severely. We knew his sugar was off and wanted him to see his doctor. He refused though his episodes continued. I think fear had set in. His weakness increased until he was unable to walk. We feared it was congestive heart failure.

The good news is he went to the doctor today, and it’s not his heart. However, his sugar level was over 600. They administered two shots of insulin, adjusted his meds, and surprisingly sent him home with an appointment scheduled for Monday and instructions to call emergency if his condition worsens.

Throughout the day, I clock watched, waiting to hear from my mother…of course, I was thinking the worst while praying for the best outcome. I worked myself up all day long. My father is eighty-three years young. I am not ready to lose him. My mother is almost eighty and wearing herself to a frazzle. I’m not ready to lose her either. I’m almost fifty…no longer a spring chicken. I almost lost my oldest son this past year. I lost my brother two years ago last week. Life is short. It is not guaranteed. I worked myself into great sadness thinking. A short while later I received another call from my mother that my father’s sister, my favorite aunt, had just died.

Life. Death. Such a fragile, fine line. A line that does not belong to us. And yet here we are, teetering.  We are entrusted with this life we are each given for a period of time. We don’t know how long that time will be. We aren’t even given instructions as to exactly what we are to perform in that time frame in which we are already unsure of. All I know is we must love to our fullest and trust God to guide us through the rest.

I sit here in a cloud of melancholy. It hurts to lose the ones we love. We are never ready for it. While my heart is sad for the loss of my aunt and I hurt for my cousins, I am grateful for the involvement of my aunt in my childhood. I could tell you all about the selfless endeavors she performed for the good of family, but right now I feel like wallowing…I’m going to try to focus on the good she brought to my life and be grateful for her influence on me.

Book of Ecclesiastes – A Time for Everything

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.